**I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped my tears away
Stepped in and saved the day,
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining
**I'll praise You in this storm
And I will life my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never leave my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
**As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
This concept, friend, is not an easy one!! Do you praise the Father in the storms of your life? I will have to admit, some days are easier than others for me in dealing with the day in and day out trials of infertility. Today, Father, I praise You in this storm!
Tomorrow, on the other hand, may be a different story.
My Father, please help me to praise You in the upcoming tomorrows.
**"Praise You in this Storm" song lyrics recorded by Casting Crowns 2005
Monday, March 2, 2009
Saturday, February 28, 2009
What? You Prayed for WHAT???
I have a confession to make before this blog continues, and I begin to sound like 'oh poor, pitiful me!' In 2000, shortly after recommitting and truely giving my life to Christ, I was so intrigued by my Father. I wanted to think His thoughts, love like He loved, be knowledgeable like He was, and have a complete inward and outward transformation. Boy, did that happen!
I was in constant prayer with Him and surrounded myself with His word and His people. I truly wanted to be what He wanted me to be, think what He wanted me to think, and live how He wanted me to live. I read the book of Proverbs, Ecclesiates, and Song of Solomon (Jon and I had just began courting). I would read them over and over and over again and was completely awestruck over the wisdom of King Solomon. I thought to myself, "this man knows things--he knows people on the inside. My Father has given him such an asset--to know people, to know things." Then, I thought to myself, "I want this. Since my Father is the all-knowing, all-loving, all-powerful God of the universe--and since He was so generous to pour this gift out to Solomon, surely He had some left to give me."
"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction." Proverbs 1:7
The more I read of King Solomon's life, the more I realized this type of gift was received over a period of time, and that the Father did not just hit him over the head with His staff and command wisdom to enter his brain.
Henceforth, my prayer began; not only for wisdom but..........(shrieks) PATIENCE!
I prayed for it constantly--ignorant of the fact that NOONE prays for this! I just wanted so badly to be what He wanted me to be--to live a life holy and acceptable to Him--to feel like He would one day say to me, "Well done thy good and faithful servant!" I mean, He had brought me from a dying pit--consumed with internal fire and self-destruction--to a life full of LIGHT and Hope and Love and AWESOMENESS! And, not only did He save me from a burning flame after death, He saved me from the wreck satan and I had made of what I then called, 'my life'.
I felt like He was prompting me to pray for this, and I wanted to live a life of obedience. So, for about 6 months, I prayed daily for the Father's wisdom and patience. It wasn't until I spoke with a very Christ-like mentor I had at the time, that I realized NOONE prays for patience. Being the blonde, and ignorant in thought, I asked her, "But, why?" "Oh Krystal," she responded, "when you ask the Father for patience, you should be ready to accept the consequences that comes along with this GIFT!" I had no idea what that meant. I was in my early 20s and new at Christianity. She tenderly patted my shoulder, tilted her head a little, and replied, "When you pray for patience, our Father often uses the teaching technique so that we learn by doing in order to acquire this gift."
It wasn't very long until I knew exactly what she was referring to:
"Hope deferred makes the heart sick." Proverbs 13:12a
My Father has taught me this concerning PATIENCE: To obtain the favor of this gift, you must earn it and the only way to earn it is to practice its best teacher--WAITING!
I am so grateful my Father does not leave it at that, that waiting is not the end product, but rather a process.
"But when the desire comes, it is a tree of life!" Proverbs 13:12b Hallelujah!!
"Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart!" Psalm 37:4
I bet I can't get any takers on praying for patience. I have found few people who are willing to offer the sacrifice. I believe sociologist call this deferred gratification. Therefore, I wait!
I was in constant prayer with Him and surrounded myself with His word and His people. I truly wanted to be what He wanted me to be, think what He wanted me to think, and live how He wanted me to live. I read the book of Proverbs, Ecclesiates, and Song of Solomon (Jon and I had just began courting). I would read them over and over and over again and was completely awestruck over the wisdom of King Solomon. I thought to myself, "this man knows things--he knows people on the inside. My Father has given him such an asset--to know people, to know things." Then, I thought to myself, "I want this. Since my Father is the all-knowing, all-loving, all-powerful God of the universe--and since He was so generous to pour this gift out to Solomon, surely He had some left to give me."
"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction." Proverbs 1:7
The more I read of King Solomon's life, the more I realized this type of gift was received over a period of time, and that the Father did not just hit him over the head with His staff and command wisdom to enter his brain.
Henceforth, my prayer began; not only for wisdom but..........(shrieks) PATIENCE!
I prayed for it constantly--ignorant of the fact that NOONE prays for this! I just wanted so badly to be what He wanted me to be--to live a life holy and acceptable to Him--to feel like He would one day say to me, "Well done thy good and faithful servant!" I mean, He had brought me from a dying pit--consumed with internal fire and self-destruction--to a life full of LIGHT and Hope and Love and AWESOMENESS! And, not only did He save me from a burning flame after death, He saved me from the wreck satan and I had made of what I then called, 'my life'.
I felt like He was prompting me to pray for this, and I wanted to live a life of obedience. So, for about 6 months, I prayed daily for the Father's wisdom and patience. It wasn't until I spoke with a very Christ-like mentor I had at the time, that I realized NOONE prays for patience. Being the blonde, and ignorant in thought, I asked her, "But, why?" "Oh Krystal," she responded, "when you ask the Father for patience, you should be ready to accept the consequences that comes along with this GIFT!" I had no idea what that meant. I was in my early 20s and new at Christianity. She tenderly patted my shoulder, tilted her head a little, and replied, "When you pray for patience, our Father often uses the teaching technique so that we learn by doing in order to acquire this gift."
It wasn't very long until I knew exactly what she was referring to:
"Hope deferred makes the heart sick." Proverbs 13:12a
My Father has taught me this concerning PATIENCE: To obtain the favor of this gift, you must earn it and the only way to earn it is to practice its best teacher--WAITING!
I am so grateful my Father does not leave it at that, that waiting is not the end product, but rather a process.
"But when the desire comes, it is a tree of life!" Proverbs 13:12b Hallelujah!!
"Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart!" Psalm 37:4
I bet I can't get any takers on praying for patience. I have found few people who are willing to offer the sacrifice. I believe sociologist call this deferred gratification. Therefore, I wait!
Friday, February 27, 2009
Experiencing Newness
I love "new" things. A new friend, a new haircut, a new pair of shoes....
What i really love is newness of time. The beginning of the new year, a new month, a new week, and for the especially talented--like myself--who seem to bodge things up daily, a new morning!
(even though technically, I don't "do" mornings)
My Father knew when He created me to allow me many opportunities to begin again, because of the mastered ability I have in turning the smallest task into the biggest ordeal. J uses this analogy in football where all you have to do is hike the ball, throw it to the open receiver, and score the TD. I often find myself catching the ball but forgetting to run, thereby getting tackled--by satan--of course.
Luckily for me, my Father's plans are so much bigger than mine and His orchestration of an event--by far--runs marathons around my minuscule comprehensions of an idea.
"Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." Isaiah 43:18
How awesome is my Father, who resides in me daily, that He would continue to guide me.
I am so grateful to emerge from the Bread of Idleness and into a "new thing", one that will take me places I've never been, meet people I never knew, explore options I never thought possible, and create in me a heart for Him I never had.
'Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is His faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion, "says my soul, "Therefore, I hope in Him!" The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks HIM!' Lamentations 3:22-25
READY--
DOWN
SET
HUT HUT!!!
What i really love is newness of time. The beginning of the new year, a new month, a new week, and for the especially talented--like myself--who seem to bodge things up daily, a new morning!
(even though technically, I don't "do" mornings)
My Father knew when He created me to allow me many opportunities to begin again, because of the mastered ability I have in turning the smallest task into the biggest ordeal. J uses this analogy in football where all you have to do is hike the ball, throw it to the open receiver, and score the TD. I often find myself catching the ball but forgetting to run, thereby getting tackled--by satan--of course.
Luckily for me, my Father's plans are so much bigger than mine and His orchestration of an event--by far--runs marathons around my minuscule comprehensions of an idea.
"Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." Isaiah 43:18
How awesome is my Father, who resides in me daily, that He would continue to guide me.
I am so grateful to emerge from the Bread of Idleness and into a "new thing", one that will take me places I've never been, meet people I never knew, explore options I never thought possible, and create in me a heart for Him I never had.
'Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is His faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion, "says my soul, "Therefore, I hope in Him!" The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks HIM!' Lamentations 3:22-25
READY--
DOWN
SET
HUT HUT!!!
Eating The Bread of Idleness
I realized this site had an enormous overgrowth of cobwebs and decided it was time to update it a bit!!
I would love to report after 9 months of silence, I had become a wise and humble woman of God, valiant and victorious over sin and the attitude I have with the present condition of my circumstance! However, many of the people who know me well would more than likely turn up their noses in utter disbelief and demand a response for my hypocrisy!
Often times, over the past 9 months, I have found myself eating of the Bread of Idleness. I realize this is not a pleasant place to be, nor one someone of my stature should dwell in for great lengths at a time. But I have remained here by choice, because of unclear direction by the Father. I am guilty of not rushing ahead, not making hasty decisions, and remaining in an area too long because of fear. Not so much as fear for what will happen, but fear of rushing ahead of my Father. I learned this valuable lesson in my early 20s and might I just say, it is not a course I want to repeat, since I aced it with flying colors the first time.
I would like to report that I had led by the example Paul pointed out in his letter to the Corinthians, stating, "that I am able to comfort those who are in a similar fashion, as I have been comforted by my Father." However, as stated above, hypocrisy is uncomplimentary.
The word "idle" means to "lean idle, having no value, use, or significance". The root of the word "idle" means "to burn or shine" either in the sense of "only apparent" or "burned out". "Bread" is "food, especially grain for making it". Another word for idleness is indolence. Indolence means "disliking or avoiding work".
I must admit I have found myself guilty in certain aspects of this partaking, none of which I am earnestly proud of! I have chosen to exclude myself from others, incorporate a feeling of dissatisfaction at work, and hoard myself to the confinement of my home like a hermit. I have chosen to stay on the path of least resistance and thereby, I have become desolate.
UNTIL NOW................
I would love to report after 9 months of silence, I had become a wise and humble woman of God, valiant and victorious over sin and the attitude I have with the present condition of my circumstance! However, many of the people who know me well would more than likely turn up their noses in utter disbelief and demand a response for my hypocrisy!
Often times, over the past 9 months, I have found myself eating of the Bread of Idleness. I realize this is not a pleasant place to be, nor one someone of my stature should dwell in for great lengths at a time. But I have remained here by choice, because of unclear direction by the Father. I am guilty of not rushing ahead, not making hasty decisions, and remaining in an area too long because of fear. Not so much as fear for what will happen, but fear of rushing ahead of my Father. I learned this valuable lesson in my early 20s and might I just say, it is not a course I want to repeat, since I aced it with flying colors the first time.
I would like to report that I had led by the example Paul pointed out in his letter to the Corinthians, stating, "that I am able to comfort those who are in a similar fashion, as I have been comforted by my Father." However, as stated above, hypocrisy is uncomplimentary.
The word "idle" means to "lean idle, having no value, use, or significance". The root of the word "idle" means "to burn or shine" either in the sense of "only apparent" or "burned out". "Bread" is "food, especially grain for making it". Another word for idleness is indolence. Indolence means "disliking or avoiding work".
I must admit I have found myself guilty in certain aspects of this partaking, none of which I am earnestly proud of! I have chosen to exclude myself from others, incorporate a feeling of dissatisfaction at work, and hoard myself to the confinement of my home like a hermit. I have chosen to stay on the path of least resistance and thereby, I have become desolate.
UNTIL NOW................
Friday, May 23, 2008
In His Time--The Class
I should mention that the class at church--the one that prompted this blog--was of great benefit to me, but we stopped going in January '08. It is set up in semesters anyway, like college. Aug-Dec. break Jan-Apr. break, then it resumes. I felt like, "Same song different verse." I was completely optimistic about the class, but I had a hunch that it would be either way far to the left (medical) or way far to the right (religious). Turns out, it was was to far to the left for me. I am bombarded with the latest drugs, procedures, and tests, and I felt as though this was one more thing to add to the batter. I trust Christ--"In His Time", not in a medical lab experiment timetable. I choose to wait for the child Christ has planned for Jon and I, instead of hurrying and getting second best in my time. I know Christ allows conception artifically and that He has allowed science to expound on many high-tech procedures, whereby many women would not conceive otherwise. However, at this present moment, none of the choices that human medicine has to offer to me today, look good enough to rush ahead of my Father. So, on with the wait!
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
I Lie in Wait
I am still awake this evening after a very long day of being with my friend Wendy's 3 girls, spending some time at the mall with my 17 y.o. niece, then going to my sister's to hang out with my 2 super nephews. Noah, my 2.5 y.o. nephew is such a treat. When I first got to my sister's, he was at the pool in full swim attire, waving his hands frantically in the air, "Hey Tickle, come look at me."
As I re-evaluate this day of pure bliss, I am heartbroken. I come home to a wonderful husband and canine, eargerly awaiting my arrival, but our walls remain with the silent sheetrock. No girls squealing loudly as they're being tickled, no boys showing me a "cool new trick", no infants crying to be changed, no teens crying because their hearts are being broken by exboyfriends.
I love my life, don't misunderstand. I know at least 2 of the purposes Christ has planted me here on Earth, in a suburban southern Mississippi town, and am very content with life as a whole.
I live by the concept: True happiness comes by not getting what you want, but wanting what you have.
So, I lie in wait, for in my Father's time, the child--a son--my Isaac-- I wait for you. And though, you may present to this world a vivid character in my imagination, I pray for you unconceived unborn.
As I re-evaluate this day of pure bliss, I am heartbroken. I come home to a wonderful husband and canine, eargerly awaiting my arrival, but our walls remain with the silent sheetrock. No girls squealing loudly as they're being tickled, no boys showing me a "cool new trick", no infants crying to be changed, no teens crying because their hearts are being broken by exboyfriends.
I love my life, don't misunderstand. I know at least 2 of the purposes Christ has planted me here on Earth, in a suburban southern Mississippi town, and am very content with life as a whole.
I live by the concept: True happiness comes by not getting what you want, but wanting what you have.
So, I lie in wait, for in my Father's time, the child--a son--my Isaac-- I wait for you. And though, you may present to this world a vivid character in my imagination, I pray for you unconceived unborn.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Time
To pass the time, that is between work, work, and more work, I like to photograph just about everything. I recently bought a new camera and use it as often as I can. This is a very recent shot of Jon in our backyard, just a lazy spring day in the south!
Sunday, May 18, 2008
...and Still
And Still, our Father gives us strength to continue to wait.
A very good friend of mine just gave birth to her 4th child, a son. All of her children are under 4 years old, and she has been so kind to involve me with many personal aspects of intimacy among their family over the past several days. I am eternally grateful to her. For where I find myself lacking greatly in my own personal struggle with the pain of infertility, I am able to gain in the intense laughter of her children and the contagious warmth of thier smiles. None of which I would be able to enjoy had it not been for the availability that consumes me daily.
A very good friend of mine just gave birth to her 4th child, a son. All of her children are under 4 years old, and she has been so kind to involve me with many personal aspects of intimacy among their family over the past several days. I am eternally grateful to her. For where I find myself lacking greatly in my own personal struggle with the pain of infertility, I am able to gain in the intense laughter of her children and the contagious warmth of thier smiles. None of which I would be able to enjoy had it not been for the availability that consumes me daily.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
A Journey Back to Catch You Up
We are the Engler's. We are just starting a blog to record the events of a season of waiting that is currently taking place in our life right now.
We have been married for 4 1/2 years and have been trying to conceive our first child since May 2005. We were officially diagnosed with infertility in January 2006 after obtaining the results of a semenanalysis. We began this uncertain season with silence, prayer, and repression. I have always said, "If it can wait until tomorrow, let it". And so, 1 month of "Can we talk about this later" led to 20. However, after 20 months of praying and pouring our hearts out at Christ's alter, we decided to take a proactive step ouside the box of silence and stop repressing our emotions to seek the company of other Christian couples who are and have been through this difficult journey.
In August, we started attending a class at our church called "In His Time". And, needless to say, we haven't quit talking about infertility, babies, discipline, instruction, adoption, and many other related subjects since we started attending the class.
This blog has been started to glorify our Savior, Jesus Christ. I pray that His name will be blessed as His Spirit prompts me to type.
We have been married for 4 1/2 years and have been trying to conceive our first child since May 2005. We were officially diagnosed with infertility in January 2006 after obtaining the results of a semenanalysis. We began this uncertain season with silence, prayer, and repression. I have always said, "If it can wait until tomorrow, let it". And so, 1 month of "Can we talk about this later" led to 20. However, after 20 months of praying and pouring our hearts out at Christ's alter, we decided to take a proactive step ouside the box of silence and stop repressing our emotions to seek the company of other Christian couples who are and have been through this difficult journey.
In August, we started attending a class at our church called "In His Time". And, needless to say, we haven't quit talking about infertility, babies, discipline, instruction, adoption, and many other related subjects since we started attending the class.
This blog has been started to glorify our Savior, Jesus Christ. I pray that His name will be blessed as His Spirit prompts me to type.
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